Happy holidays to everyone! I was thinking I'd blame the holidays for my lack of postings but Christmas/New Year has absolutely nothing to do with my lack of creativity. Now I'm trying to decide: should I write about my kid or my newly acquired ebay addiction? Yeah, my kid. (I'm not ready to admit my ebay problem just yet.) So to all my friends who are so sick of hearing about G, that the mere mention of his name makes you want to gag: I don't blame you. You may skip this blog with no hard feelings.
It still floors me that we've been parents for four full years now. In the same way that it's hard to imagine my life before I was married, I can barely remember our life pre-G. Freer? Yes, of course. As fulfilling or rewarding? Not a chance.
We should have known we were in for a wild ride when G arrived 5 days late and a whopping 10 lbs 12 oz. He was, quite literally, holding his head up for short periods of time right from birth. All muscle from the start and never a baby fat roll on him. He was sitting unassisted at 4 months, rolling over by 5, crawling at 6, walking at 9 and running by 9 1/2 months. And he hasn't stopped moving since.
He's at such a wonderful age now. Out of the horrible 3's (and shit, was that a BAD year.) and maturing into this little man. All the things he's spent processing over the last 4 years are starting to come together for him and it's so fun to watch him get it. To just start to really get life.
Along with that new found maturity, though, have come some of the heavy handed questions. A few days before his birthday was the anniversary of my mom's death. He must have overheard me on the phone with my dad or my sister, b/c he started asking me about God and the angels. In the past it was enough for me to just say that the angels came down and scooped the dead people up in a big hug and flew them to Heaven to be with God. But all of a sudden he's started talking about how if the angels come and get him he will kick and punch and scream (all the things we routinely remind him to do should a stranger try to grab him) until they let him go. On the anniversary of my mom's death, I'll admit to being completely preoccupied with my own thoughts so when he asked if Daddy and I were going to die I can't even tell you what my answer was. But obviously it was not child-sensitive. I probably answered with a distracted, "Of course. Everyone dies." When he started crying I had to backtrack and amend my answer to let him know that while no one knows exactly when they will die, Daddy and I did not plan to die until after G was all grown up. Unfortunately, with his birthday so close at hand, he interpreted that to mean that after his next birthday we would be gone. So began several days of random outbursts. Sometimes it was outward defiance, saying he would push God out of Heaven if he tried to take me and Daddy. Other times, it was a heartbreaking sob session. He would literally be in the middle of playing and suddenly look at me, burst into tears and sob, "I just don't want you and Daddy to die! I just don't want to be left alone!" I'll admit to getting a little choked up a few times. His poor sad heart.
A couple of weeks have passed and since Daddy and I are still here (and birthday and Christmas brought lots of distracting presents) he seems to have moved on from his fear. Which is good for me b/c it's damn hard to deal with my own grief AND try to be responsible for giving true, clear but non-nightmare inducing answers.
On the less serious side, he is still the sweetest, happiest, most hilarious kid ever. Yesterday, I told him he was going to take a nap (a rare occurrence as he almost never needs them anymore) and he started to cry and tell me that he couldn't take a nap b/c naps make his stomach hurt and he didn't WANT to have a tummy ache so please don't make him take a nap. And awhile back I was at my wits end with his sassy mouth and I said, "ohhhhh G! Do you need a spanking???" To which he replied, very calmly, "No thank you. I don't LIKE fankings. Fankings are HIDEOUS!"
Okay. That's all for now. I'm going to try to think of some more creative things to write about for the future. And I promise not to write about my ebay addiction. Though, I just really search and rarely bid. No really, I'm careful!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
When co-workers prove to be so very much more
I have the most amazing co-workers (hereon known as "cw(s)"). I'm not sure what I did to deserve to be working with them or how I got so lucky but I can assure you it's one thing in my life that I know I don't take for granted.
Last night, cw, KK and her parents threw a Holiday Party and it was the first time that I really didn't hesitate to say yes to going. I'm not a party person, never have been. I always feel awkward and a little anxious in social situations. As I've gotten older, however, I've begun realizing that it's worse in situations with familiar people. My confidence is much higher when there are strangers around. (Does that mean I've been working retail too long?) I knew KK's parents were expecting a lot of their friends so I was pretty sure I'd be okay.
After finishing my 8-hr-last-Saturday-before-Christmas-with-only-one-break-squeezed-in shift, the thought of a glass of wine and good conversation (and perhaps a comfy chair) was exactly what I was in the mood for. I changed my clothes, freshened up and headed the few miles over to KK's parents' amazing house. Set back from the road in a nicely wooded neighborhood, their house is everything I've always wanted in a house. Private, large and open, and yet still unbelievably cozy.
I was so happy to arrive at the same time as one of my favorite, yet rarely seen, cws, KR. We greeted our hosts, toured the house and quickly settled onto the couch in front of the fire with our wine to begin our catching up. It's amazing how fast you can fall right back in step with people especially ones you haven't seen in a while. After a couple glasses of wine, wonderful conversation and some unbelievably tasty hors d'ouvres (thanks, JK for labeling the veg ones for me!! So sweet!) some of my other fav cws started arriving.
I already stated above that I don't get out much. But I'm also starting to see how important it is for me to do more things with the people I like to be with. In just around 3 hrs time, I had more fun and was more relaxed than I have been in well sadly, a very long time. The fact that I can't remember when I've enjoyed people's company in so long or even the last time I laughed so hard is sad.
By the time I left, my mood was sky high and I was almost dreading the lonesome drive home. The time gave me a chance to mull over just what it is that makes these people so special to me. Surely not all cws get along so well, right? We all have commonalities, of course. We voluntarily work in a low-paying, high traffic retail store. I guess in a sense that makes us all people...err...people. We all love books, love to read and share our knowledge, etc. And sure, there are plenty of my cws that I have no real interest in hanging out with. So why is it that there are certain ones that I just can't spend ENOUGH time with? I guess it's b/c I need them. They enrich my life in their own special ways. The more time I spend with KK, the more she feels like another sister to me. My week would not, and I mean, would NOT be complete without a shift with BD and her personality that so mirrors my own that I literally can see myself in her in 30 yrs. KR provides me with so much insight on life and her relationship with her husband is enviable. MK, always good for a long laugh and TK for bringing us all back to down to earth with her perspective on life and kind words and sage advice.
Again, I must admit how amazed I am to have such unbelievable cw friends. Maybe it's karma that I suffered through years of shitty jobs and am now being rewarded. Maybe it's divine intervention that allows me to willingly get up at 5:30 a.m., drive 45 minutes in the dark just so I can spend time in a place I love with people I can't live without. I don't really care who or what is the reason. I just hope I'm worthy.
So, all I can really think to say is,friends, keep the invitations coming. I promise to accept. I'll even bring the wine.
Last night, cw, KK and her parents threw a Holiday Party and it was the first time that I really didn't hesitate to say yes to going. I'm not a party person, never have been. I always feel awkward and a little anxious in social situations. As I've gotten older, however, I've begun realizing that it's worse in situations with familiar people. My confidence is much higher when there are strangers around. (Does that mean I've been working retail too long?) I knew KK's parents were expecting a lot of their friends so I was pretty sure I'd be okay.
After finishing my 8-hr-last-Saturday-before-Christmas-with-only-one-break-squeezed-in shift, the thought of a glass of wine and good conversation (and perhaps a comfy chair) was exactly what I was in the mood for. I changed my clothes, freshened up and headed the few miles over to KK's parents' amazing house. Set back from the road in a nicely wooded neighborhood, their house is everything I've always wanted in a house. Private, large and open, and yet still unbelievably cozy.
I was so happy to arrive at the same time as one of my favorite, yet rarely seen, cws, KR. We greeted our hosts, toured the house and quickly settled onto the couch in front of the fire with our wine to begin our catching up. It's amazing how fast you can fall right back in step with people especially ones you haven't seen in a while. After a couple glasses of wine, wonderful conversation and some unbelievably tasty hors d'ouvres (thanks, JK for labeling the veg ones for me!! So sweet!) some of my other fav cws started arriving.
I already stated above that I don't get out much. But I'm also starting to see how important it is for me to do more things with the people I like to be with. In just around 3 hrs time, I had more fun and was more relaxed than I have been in well sadly, a very long time. The fact that I can't remember when I've enjoyed people's company in so long or even the last time I laughed so hard is sad.
By the time I left, my mood was sky high and I was almost dreading the lonesome drive home. The time gave me a chance to mull over just what it is that makes these people so special to me. Surely not all cws get along so well, right? We all have commonalities, of course. We voluntarily work in a low-paying, high traffic retail store. I guess in a sense that makes us all people...err...people. We all love books, love to read and share our knowledge, etc. And sure, there are plenty of my cws that I have no real interest in hanging out with. So why is it that there are certain ones that I just can't spend ENOUGH time with? I guess it's b/c I need them. They enrich my life in their own special ways. The more time I spend with KK, the more she feels like another sister to me. My week would not, and I mean, would NOT be complete without a shift with BD and her personality that so mirrors my own that I literally can see myself in her in 30 yrs. KR provides me with so much insight on life and her relationship with her husband is enviable. MK, always good for a long laugh and TK for bringing us all back to down to earth with her perspective on life and kind words and sage advice.
Again, I must admit how amazed I am to have such unbelievable cw friends. Maybe it's karma that I suffered through years of shitty jobs and am now being rewarded. Maybe it's divine intervention that allows me to willingly get up at 5:30 a.m., drive 45 minutes in the dark just so I can spend time in a place I love with people I can't live without. I don't really care who or what is the reason. I just hope I'm worthy.
So, all I can really think to say is,friends, keep the invitations coming. I promise to accept. I'll even bring the wine.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
He just DOES it
Not at all feeling the creative bug today, but I'm never going to make a habit of appreciating the things in my life if I don't keep on it. So today's appreciation award goes to My Husband.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Puke. But its not like that, and if you know anything at ALL about me you know I speak the truth. It's just that with all this self-searching I've been trying to do lately, my brain keeps coming back to (or God keeps redirecting me to) how much I underappreciate my husband. I don't think I underappreciate him as a parent. At least, I hope he doesn't feel like I do! B/c I KNOW how good I have it as far as baby daddy's go. I really do! I see other women and my heart just aches for them and for the kids who don't have such a great relationship with their daddy's as G does with his. The most amazing part is that he required no training. I say that half-joking, but it's so true. I never ever had a moment even in the very beginning when I wished for more help, sometimes it was just the opposite! In the middle of the night, he was up with me. He was even the one that was rewarded with G's first ever smile.
But I digress. What I've realized is that in the 9 1/2 years we've been together he has given his all to me and I don't necessarily know if I can say the same about myself. And it can all really be traced back to when we first met. Our long distance relationship got serious quickly but with me in Denver and him in Milwaukee it was clear something had to change. So I said, "I think what we have is the real thing, but I've worked too hard and wanted to be here for too long and I'm not moving back. So either you have to move here or we have to be done." What did he do? Quit his job, packed everything he owned into his Toyota and drove 18hrs straight to move in with me. Would I have done the same had the roles been reversed? I honestly don't know the answer to that, but I'm afraid it might be no.
Fast forward a few years to when I got word my mom was dying. I said, "We're moving home" and a week later, we did. In that instance, I STILL don't know if I would have done the same for him. Granted, the relationship he has/had with his parents is nothing compared to the one I have/had with mine, but still. He didn't complain once.
He puts up with shit from me that I would never tolerate from someone else. He buys me flowers just because, tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. He cleans the snow off my car and the ice off my windshield just so that I won't have to. He changes my tire in the below zero weather at 8:30 at night, takes G to do daddy/baby things so that I can have the house to myself for a few hours.
To anyone who says "That's his job, he's the husband", I say, Bullshit. And pull yourself out of the '50's while you're at it. He has no obligation to shovel so that I don't have to. He just DOES it. I don't ask, whine or beg. He just DOES it.
So my goal is to knock myself out of this taking-him-for-granted thing and maybe in 9 1/2 years he can blog about all the wonderful things I do for him. In the meantime, I can stop hoping he knows how much I love him and start showing it.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Puke. But its not like that, and if you know anything at ALL about me you know I speak the truth. It's just that with all this self-searching I've been trying to do lately, my brain keeps coming back to (or God keeps redirecting me to) how much I underappreciate my husband. I don't think I underappreciate him as a parent. At least, I hope he doesn't feel like I do! B/c I KNOW how good I have it as far as baby daddy's go. I really do! I see other women and my heart just aches for them and for the kids who don't have such a great relationship with their daddy's as G does with his. The most amazing part is that he required no training. I say that half-joking, but it's so true. I never ever had a moment even in the very beginning when I wished for more help, sometimes it was just the opposite! In the middle of the night, he was up with me. He was even the one that was rewarded with G's first ever smile.
But I digress. What I've realized is that in the 9 1/2 years we've been together he has given his all to me and I don't necessarily know if I can say the same about myself. And it can all really be traced back to when we first met. Our long distance relationship got serious quickly but with me in Denver and him in Milwaukee it was clear something had to change. So I said, "I think what we have is the real thing, but I've worked too hard and wanted to be here for too long and I'm not moving back. So either you have to move here or we have to be done." What did he do? Quit his job, packed everything he owned into his Toyota and drove 18hrs straight to move in with me. Would I have done the same had the roles been reversed? I honestly don't know the answer to that, but I'm afraid it might be no.
Fast forward a few years to when I got word my mom was dying. I said, "We're moving home" and a week later, we did. In that instance, I STILL don't know if I would have done the same for him. Granted, the relationship he has/had with his parents is nothing compared to the one I have/had with mine, but still. He didn't complain once.
He puts up with shit from me that I would never tolerate from someone else. He buys me flowers just because, tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. He cleans the snow off my car and the ice off my windshield just so that I won't have to. He changes my tire in the below zero weather at 8:30 at night, takes G to do daddy/baby things so that I can have the house to myself for a few hours.
To anyone who says "That's his job, he's the husband", I say, Bullshit. And pull yourself out of the '50's while you're at it. He has no obligation to shovel so that I don't have to. He just DOES it. I don't ask, whine or beg. He just DOES it.
So my goal is to knock myself out of this taking-him-for-granted thing and maybe in 9 1/2 years he can blog about all the wonderful things I do for him. In the meantime, I can stop hoping he knows how much I love him and start showing it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
December's Resolution
It's never too early to start a New Year's Resolution. Of course, speaking as someone who has never actually KEPT their resolutions, I suppose I could say that I start...and stop... them whenever the feeling strikes. But I'm determined to change some things once and for all. And what better way to make myself accountable than to write it down! Oh, I've done the lists in fancy notebooks and post -ts on the bathroom mirror and "You CAN do this" fridge magnets. So will using the computer really make a difference? Ask me in a month...
But, how to start?
Well, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right? (I'm wondering if I should enlist my therapist's help for this one. Or maybe my husband's? Yeah, not so much on the latter.) The list of things that I see as "problems" in my life is pretty endless. But since at the top of that list is: Strengthen Self Esteem, making that list is probably counter productive. So I've tried to narrow it down to a few tangible things that I think I might really be able to change.
1. Strengthen Self Esteem
2. Become the runner I keep trying to convince myself to be
3. Lose my extra weight and KEEP IT OFF
4. And probably the most important and probably the one that is actually the answer to 1-3:
Learn to appreciate what I have now, not what I think I might want or wish I could have
So there it is. Through this blog I aim to keep track of positive thoughts, running log, weight goals and one thing every day that I appreciate about my life.
Day 1's appreciation:
Words. I love words. I love hearing my 4 yr old discover new words and their meanings and watch as he puts them to use in his own life. I love the way the written word looks. How "orange" just looks fun and comforting, how "sunflower" shines yellow and happy on the page. I love the way they sound rolling off the tongue. "ad-ir-onnnn-dack" and "haaassssss-y-enda". How words can change a person's life: "I love you", "You're fired".
And I can't wait to see how I can put them to use to change my own life.
So, here goes nothing...
But, how to start?
Well, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right? (I'm wondering if I should enlist my therapist's help for this one. Or maybe my husband's? Yeah, not so much on the latter.) The list of things that I see as "problems" in my life is pretty endless. But since at the top of that list is: Strengthen Self Esteem, making that list is probably counter productive. So I've tried to narrow it down to a few tangible things that I think I might really be able to change.
1. Strengthen Self Esteem
2. Become the runner I keep trying to convince myself to be
3. Lose my extra weight and KEEP IT OFF
4. And probably the most important and probably the one that is actually the answer to 1-3:
Learn to appreciate what I have now, not what I think I might want or wish I could have
So there it is. Through this blog I aim to keep track of positive thoughts, running log, weight goals and one thing every day that I appreciate about my life.
Day 1's appreciation:
Words. I love words. I love hearing my 4 yr old discover new words and their meanings and watch as he puts them to use in his own life. I love the way the written word looks. How "orange" just looks fun and comforting, how "sunflower" shines yellow and happy on the page. I love the way they sound rolling off the tongue. "ad-ir-onnnn-dack" and "haaassssss-y-enda". How words can change a person's life: "I love you", "You're fired".
And I can't wait to see how I can put them to use to change my own life.
So, here goes nothing...
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